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EXCERPT FROM "I HAVE LIFE"

..."For a split second the path snapped back into focus and I managed a few more steps before stumbling and falling again.  I must have blacked out like this several times.

There were times when I regained consciousness but couldn't see a thing.  I kept moving, guiding myself by feeling the rough branches and leaves of the bushes with one of my hands outstretched, like a blind person who had lost her guide dog.  I was astounded that I was still capable of walking but each foot seemed to have a life of its own.

Every now and again I regained my sight.  It was like someone was playing with a dimmer switch.  At one point I remember looking down and seeing my two filthy feet still plodding along, one in front of the other, like one of those battery-operated stuffed toys.

It felt as if I was on automatic pilot.  I certainly was not in control.  I was not making them 'walk'.

The journey felt interminable and just as I was about to contemplate giving up for the umpteenth time I saw what I thought was Marine Drive.

It couldn't be.  But yes, it was.
I had actually made it.
I had never been so overjoyed to see anything in my entire life.

The sense of accomplishment was tremendous and seemed to give me a fresh burst of energy.

I knew there would be no point in just lying down on the gravel shoulder of the road.  If I did, no one would see me unless they were very observant.

I had to make sure that the first person who passed by saw me immediately.  I had to get to the middle of the road where I could not be missed.

Clutching my neck I turned and surveyed the area.  A few metres away I noticed a huge white painted arrow which seemed to indicate a curve.

If I lay here and someone came speeding around it, I thought, they'd most certainly drive over me.  I stumbled a few metres further and eventually found a suitable spot before collapsing horizontally across the white line.  My head hit the tar with a thud.

I lay there in the deathly quiet thinking that it was wonderful finally to have a break from all the staggering and falling.  I was on my back, my head slack to one side, my eyes level with the tar.

It was an unusual vista.  I was amazed that I was still so conscious.  I felt utterly alone, helpless and abandoned.

There was only one thing to do now.  Wait.
Then, in the distance, I heard the drone of an engine.  The car slowed down and then stopped.

For the first time since the whole ordeal had started I felt tremendous relief.  I had been fighting all on my own and now someone was going to help me.  That epic crawl to the road, I thought, had all be worth it.  I had clung on, hoping this would happen and now it had.  Despite my exhaustion, I was elated.

But nothing happened.  The engine ticked over but no one got out.  The headlights shone right on to me, warming me and in a way making me a part of the real world again.  They felt like a spotlight.  Surely the occupants of the car could see me?

I frantically waved as fast as I could.  I wanted whoever it was to see I was alive and needed help.

A long time passed, it felt like 10 to 15 minutes, but was probably much less, and still no one got out.

I simply could not comprehend it.
My earlier sense of elation was replaced with dread as I convinced myself that it was Frans and Theuns and that perhaps they had returned to finish me off.

If it was them, I thought, there was nothing more I could do now.  There was no point in panicking.  I was already so close to death that it really didn't matter any more.  I could actually feel it, feel myself slipping away.  If it was them, I resolved, I would not fight any more.  I would just let go.

Although death was uppermost in my mind, I still had no fear.  But I felt a deep sorrow and disappointment that this time I would not be able to resist.  I just did not have the physical strength to fend them off.  The choice to live would no longer be mine.

I heard the engine rev and then suddenly the car manoeuvred itself around my body and just sped away.  It was a Volkswagen Beetle and I watched the tail-lights become pinpricks in the distance.

Then I started to panic.
What if that was the only car?  What if that had been my last chance?

My hopes had been dashed.  That tremendous excitement I had first felt evaporated into sadness and a terrible sense of loneliness returned." 

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